Really? You Called Me for This? I Mean...Really?

Over this last week my patience with my patients was stretched pretty thin. I thought about writing a social commentary about how the character of our society has slipped into near oblivion and I thought about blasting the stupidity of the general populace but then I remembered that the people I see are a poor representation of our public. I only see either those that are in real trouble (rarely) or those that are either stupid, lazy, or dishonest. It was decided that rather than bemoan the losers, I would make people laugh at them. Those that are not mentally disabled, physically disabled or otherwise not to blame for their moronic behavior do deserve to be laughed at and so with that in mind, here is a short list of some of Colorado Springs top losers. Remember, these are people who deemed it necessary to call 911 in order receive emergency care via ambulance. I have changed the names because it would be illegal for me to give their real names, but the stories are real.

We'll start with Jane. See Jane's toe? See Jane's toenail? Around the edges, Jane's toenail is kind of red. Jane was out on the basketball court at her apartment complex and was showing off her skills of ball dribbling when Jane accidentally bounced the basketball on her toe.

"Well, golly, that stings," Jane thought, "I shall go back to my apartment and drink a whole lot of vodka so that my toe no longer stings." And Jane went back to her apartment and drank and drank and drank. Then Jane looked at her toe. "My toe is red! I should call 911." So Jane called 911 and the ambulance came. The medics were not happy and said so.

Next is Tim. Tim was trying on his friend's ring and to his dismay found that the ring was too small for his finger. It would not come off! Tim tried soap, and grease, and cold water, but nothing worked. It was time to call 911 so Tim called and while he waited for the ambulance he leaned against his car and enjoyed the sun.

"What do you want us to do for you?" the medics asked with just a little bit of perplexed irritation.

"I want you to get the ring off my finger!"

"Have you tried lubing it up with something?"

"Yes, but it didn't work."

"We can cut it off."

"No!" Tim said, "It's my friends ring and I don't want to ruin it."

The medics tugged on the ring and suggested that Tim soak his hand in cold water. "I already tried that", Tim whined.

"Well, the only way we can get it off is to cut the ring."

"I don't want you to cut the ring."

The medics looked at each other. "Well, there's not much we can do for you then."

"How am I going to get the ring off? I need to give it back to my friend!"

At some point, breath is just waisted. Tim, you are dumb.

"We don't know, Tim, but we need to go. We're pretty sure someone somewhere is having a problem for which they will need an ambulance and we want to be there. Not here. Don't put on any more rings, Tim."

In Colorado there is a law stating that if someone wants to go the hospital via ambulance, the ambulance has to take them; it does not matter what the reason is. This brings us to Shanikwa. We were called to one of the 7-11's in town because Shanikwa told the 911 operator that she stepped off the curb and turned her ankle. Upon arrival at the 7-11 we found our patient walking across the parking lot as though she were enjoying a day of shopping in her high heels. She did not even say hello, she just strolled over to the back of the ambulance, opened the door herself and climbed in. My partner snickered because it was my turn to be in the back with the patient.

"It's not nice to laugh at people's miseries," I told him.

"She doesn't look miserable to me." he said.

"I wasn't talking about her, I was talking about me" and I climbed in back with our miserable patient. "Lady, why did you call us?"

"My family is driving me crazy and I want to get away from them for a while."

"So, you want to incur an ambulance bill and a hospital bill because your family is annoying you?"

"I have Medicaid." Says it all, don't it?

Now, for the winner! Heeeeeeeere's Lucy! We found 19 year old Lucy lying on her bed in a fetal position and moaning softly.

"Lucy, what's the matter? Where do you hurt?"

"My stomach hurts." My partner began asking all of the standard questions meant to determine which of the possible reasons for abdominal pain we were dealing with. My eye caught something on the bed and I interrupted.

"Lucy? Did you eat this candy?" I had picked up off of the bed the wrapper of a Sam's Club family size package of M&M's.

"Yeah."

"Lucy, did you eat all of this candy?"

After a long silence, "Lucy?"

"What?"

"Did you eat all of this candy?"

"Yeah."

"OK, Lucy, don't eat any more candy. You'll be fine. Have a nice day."

The list of stupid people that I've provided "medical care" to is longer than my memory can possibly retain but these were some that popped to mind as I sit here. I've even been called for the hiccups for Pete's sake. The guy that called us because he had a door knob stuck in his butt also popped to mind but this is a family blog and you'll have to give me your e-mail if you want that story (It's not immoral, just weird). In the mean time, laugh often and...don't call me for...um...stupid things.